We pick up at the birth of Abram's bastard child, Ishmael, and God's command to seal the covenant. I'm gonna hafta skip over a lot of interesting biblical scholarship to get to the meat of these 5 chapters…because there's a lot to talk about.
Chapter 17
1-4
So here comes God…again with the promises? Oy vey! He starts talking about the covenant again, and how he's gonna make Abram's progeny numerous, and telling him that he will be the father of kings and of nations. Now right when God starts talking, "…Abram fell on his face." People in the Bible fall on their faces A LOT. I can't help but laugh because I always see a mental image of someone instantly falling flat on their face. You'd think it was a worshipful 'bowing down', but the Bible uses the Hebrew for 'bowing down' all over the place. Also, the next instance of someone falling on their face is not in worshipful deference to God. So henceforth, when we run across someone falling on their face, we'll designate it with "FOF" and then you and I can "LOL".
5
Here we get the name change from Abram to Abraham. This signifies a change in status or a change in the relationship between him and God.
9-14
Finally God tells Abraham his part of the covenant. Circumcision is mandated for Abraham and his household. I was born in the city with the largest Jewish population in the world; circumcision is pretty much standard in New York City (the doctor who delivered me also happened to be Jewish). Maimonides, the preeminent Jewish scholar during the golden age of Jewish culture in Spain, had this to say about circumcision.
"With regard to circumcision, one of the reasons for it is, in my opinion, the wish to bring about a decrease in sexual intercourse and a weakening of the organ in question, so that this activity be diminished and the organ be in as quiet a state as possible. It has been thought that circumcision perfects what is defective congenitally…How can natural things be defective so that they need to be perfected from outside, all the more because we know how useful the foreskin is for that member. In fact this commandment has not been prescribed with a view to perfecting what is defective congenitally, but to perfecting what is defective morally. The bodily pain caused to that member is the real purpose of circumcision… The fact that circumcision weakens the faculty of sexual excitement and sometimes perhaps diminishes the pleasure is indubitable. For if at birth this member has been made to bleed and has had its covering taken away from it, it must indubitably be weakened.
Yup. That pretty much sums it up.
15
Name change from Sarai to Sarah. Good…Sarai is awkward to say.
16-22
God promises that Sarah will bear him a son. And what did Abraham do? FOF laughing. So falling on your face isn't necessarily worshipful, but it's always hilarious. He laughs at the idea of his 90 year old wife having a kid, and asks God to please let Ishmael survive and be his heir. But God says that Sarah will bear him a son, and he is to name this son Isaac, which means "he laughs" in Hebrew. Cool little play on words there. He also promises that Ishmael will be a patriarch as well, but the covenant he is establishing will be fulfilled through Isaac.
God: "Now quit laughing and get to the penis butchering. I better see a pile of foreskins on that floor by sundown, Abe."
Chapter 18
1-15
God and a couple of angels visit, Abraham shows ideal hospitality, which is extremely important to this culture. God tells Sarah she's gonna get knocked up, and SHE laughs at him, too, but without FOF.
16-19
Abraham went with the three divine beings to start them on their way towards Sodom. God apparently debates whether he should tell Abraham about his next mass murder plans. He figures that since this guy has to be an example of righteousness for all nations of the earth, he should at least tell him about this so that he can see an example of God's righteousness. Too bad there's no righteousness save the dialogue which follows. God is about to merely pay lip service to righteousness.
20-21
So there's an apparent outcry about the wickedness of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, and God figures he better go have a look. Just like in the tower of Babel story, God is obviously not omniscient. He has to go down and see whether the stories are true.
22-33
The angels head toward the city (where Lot lives, btw) and leave God and Abraham. Abraham asks God if he really intends to kill everyone in the cities. "Far be it from you to do such a thing, to slay the righteous with the wicked, so that the righteous fare as the wicked!..." Except he's already done that once with the flood. Abraham asks if there are 50 righteous there, will he still slay everyone? God said if there are 50, he will spare them all for the 50. Well what if there's 45? God said that he would spare them all for the 45. Abraham went all the way down to 10, and God said that he would spare the cities if there were 10 righteous people therein.
Chapter 19
1-23
The two angels show up in town and Lot pleads with them to be his guest for the evening. They finally accompany him to his home, and right as they're about to eat a nice meal, "all the people to the last man, surround the house." Really? All the people in the town are standing around Lot's house? Small freakin' town, apparently.
They ask Lot to bring the men out so that they may rape them. Angels must be pretty hot. However, hospitality and protection of guests in your home are such an imperative in this culture, that Lot offers his virgin daughters to the mob that they might leave his guests in peace. You've GOT to be kidding me. I don't care how important hospitality is, you don't offer your freakin' daughters to be raped by a mob! But Lot is probably only the 3rd worst parent in the Old Testament. Just chalk this one up to that kooky Bronze Age mentality.
The angels pull him back inside and blind the mob outside so they can't find the door to get in. They tell Lot to get his family and get the fuck outta Dodge.
Lot: "So girls, you know I was totally kidding about offering you up to be raped by the mob, right?" *uncomfortable laughter*
24-29
So God rains sulfur and fire from the heavens, laying waste to Sodom and Gomorrah. Another mass murder under his belt, he takes a moment to kill Lot's wife as well, just for turning around to take a look. Seems like a pretty piddling thing to be killed for, right? There are people in the Bible who do MUCH worse things than violate a commandment to not look at something, and they don't get killed for it.
And I've still got some beef with the mass murder here. Those two angels really didn't look like they did a thorough search of the city to see if there were 10 righteous people there. Let's cut to the conversation between Abraham and God immediately after the slaughter:
"Oh wow. Man, look at those smoldering ruins. Must not have found 10, huh?"
"… Huh? Whut?..."
"There must not have been 10 righteous people."
"Huh?"
"You know… remember that conversation we had, where you said you'd spare the cities if there were as few as ten righteous people there?"
"Oh yeah! That! Yeah……… I remember that." God continues looking at the smoldering ruins, enjoying the pleasing smell of burning flesh.
"So not even 10, huh? … How many were there?"
"Huh?"
"Well obviously there weren't 10 righteous people there. But how many were there?"
"Oh! Ummm………………. 8."
"8? Wow. So close. …………. Well like, uhhhh…how many kids were in the cities?"
"Whut?"
"About how many kids you reckon lived there?"
"Oh, uhhh… I dunno, like a couple hundred maybe?"
"Ahhh, I see."
…………………..
"How many you suppose were infants? …Y'know like 2 years or younger."
"Uhhh, shit if I know… maybe 40 or 50."
"So more than 10?"
"I guess."
"Wwwwwell, I thought you were gonna… y'know… spare them if you, uhhh…."
"Oh, I meant adults."
"O- Ohhh, OK. Ummm, alright."
God doesn't give a flying fuck about kids. No seriously. I was too emotionally and morally immature when I read the Bible at the age of 12 to even notice that all the child killing was downright evil.
30-37
After fleeing, Lot and his daughters decide to hang out in a cave for a bit. Apparently, his daughters are worried that because there are no other men around, they won't be able to get any nookie or have any kids. Because everyone knows that a woman's #1 goal in life is to be a baby factory. So the older sister had a great idea: get Lot drunk and have sex with him. They each in turn get their father drunk and have sex with him. Since when does a blackout drunk man have a functioning penis? At any rate it apparently worked, because they both got prego. Let's pause for a moment to consider an alternate scenario. What if Lot, who was now a widower mind you, was the one who got drunk on purpose as an excuse to have sex with his daughters? Either way, God really picked a winner with this family. A disobedient mom, an alcoholic dad, and two horny daughters who'll fuck anything, including their own father.
37-38
Amusing to think about, but we all know that this story never happened at all. These verses tell us that the older daughter gave birth to Moab, ancestor of the Moabites, and the younger gave birth to Ben-ammi, ancestor of the Ammonites. Ah ha! Now we find the real point of this story. This is just like the curse on Ham in the Noah story. That story made sure to curse all the non-Semitic Canaanite peoples. However there are some more closely related peoples who are descended from Shem who they need to have justification to utterly destroy. And here it is… justification for the future genocide against the Moabites and Ammonites, whose names you will see again. These peoples are the products of filthy incest!
"See, it says right here in our holy scriptures. See? Proof that you people are the products of an incestuous union instigated by Lot's daughter. That's why God likes us better, and your lands now belong to us."
"What do you mean 'you people'?"
Hilarity ensues.
Chapter 20
Abraham and Sarah were living in Gerar as aliens, and decided to keep using the 'you're-my-sister' story, so that he doesn't get killed. And of course, King Abimelech of Gerar couldn't resist Sarah, and took her to be his wife. Let us pause for a good laugh again. Apparently, Sarah is still an irresistibly hot piece of ass at the age of 90. I'm gonna fall on my face laughing for a moment here. FOFLMAO!
*picks self up off face* OK, moving on…
God decides to tell Abimelech in a dream that he's gonna smite his ass because Sarah is a married woman. And Abimelech is rightfully like, "Dude. You would fuckin' kill me and I didn't even know?! I just took Abraham's word for it! WTF, man? And God was all like, "I know… that's why I stopped you from touching her, dickweed."
Then he went back to Abraham and was all like, "WTF, bro? You almost got me killed by that crazy ass God of yours because YOU lied to me. Not cool, Bro-ham, not cool." Abe was like, "Heh… well uhh, I just sorta assumed that you'd have me whacked and take my wife because I know that Sarah is the sexiest 90 year old ever. Besides…uh, funny thing is she actually IS my half sister."
Yup. God blessed their union…brother and sister.
Of course, maybe Abe was just saying that to give himself as many excuses as possible. Whatevs.
He gives Abraham sheep, oxen, and slaves. Yeah, to appease God for believing Abraham's lie. Sarah's like, "Aight, king…we cool now." And God healed Abimelech's wife and sex slaves…because apparently he had "closed fast" all their wombs…because the king believed Abraham's lie.
This God guy is kinda turning out to be a real dick. How come he warned Abimelech, but not the pharaoh?
Chapter 21
1-21
So with God's help, Sarah conceives and gives birth to Isaac. 21.7 mentions something about Sarah nursing children, and I have to pause to paint a picture. Can you imagine suckling from a 90 year old titty? You're welcome for that mental image.
Sarah wants Hagar, that Egyptian hussy out of her house because she doesn't want the son of "this slave woman" to inherit what rightfully belongs to her son. Abraham didn't really like it but God tells him to go along with it and kick Hagar and Ishmael out. Poor Hagar. Here she is out on the street (wilderness) again. This time she's out on her ass with a kid, who strangely seems to be described as an infant here, although he was supposedly 16 when the penis carving took place. Whatevs.
God keeps them from dying of thirst in the wilderness, and he goes on to find a wife in Egypt. Remember, he has already promised that Ishmael will also have a shit ton of descendants. But he confided to Abraham that Isaac is the true heir to the promise he made. Besides, God can't let "a wild ass of a man" be Abraham's heir, right?
Chapter 22
Now we come to what is arguably the most despicable chapter in the Bible so far. When I first read this, I was too young to see the immorality in God's test of Abraham. God tells Abraham to offer his son Isaac as a burnt offering. Strangely, Isaac is described as Abraham's "only son". Wow. As soon as Ishmael is outta the picture, God is like, "Ishmael, who?" Whatevs.
Abraham does not object. The NOAB comments: "The story does not presuppose a general practice of sacrifice of the firstborn, but does suggest that such a practice could be performed under extraordinary circumstances." This is not a surprise to anyone with a good knowledge of ancient cultures in this part of the world.
In 22.7 Isaac says, "the fire and the wood are here, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" Abraham says that God will provide the lamb… *wink wink* Then when they get where they're going, Abraham proceeds to tie Isaac up and place him on the Altar. He raises his knife to ritually slit Isaac's throat, and an Angel stops him. "…for now I know that you fear God, since you have not with-held your son, your only son, from me."
And I'm gonna stop right here because I don't give a flying fuck what the rest of this chapter says. It's just more promises about Abraham being blessed for passing this sadistic test. Seriously, how many times is God gonna reiterate this promise shit? It's not like he even kept it! The Jews need to sue his ass for breach of covenant.
This is the point where I can definitely say that God is a world class dick. I am morally superior to this monster that billions of people around the world claim to worship. If God spoke to me and told me to offer my firstborn son as a burnt offering…no wait, it wouldn't matter WHAT child. If God asked me to do this to any child, I would look him right in the eye and say, "fuck you." I would never harm an innocent child, no matter what. There is nothing that even the creator of the universe could do to get me, out of my own free will, to harm a child. That is beyond disgusting. The only way this story would have any sort of moral value is if Abraham looked at God and said, "No. I will not. Kill me now if you must, but I will do no such thing to this – or any – child." Every time someone tries to glean any kind of good moral out of this story sends me into a bloody rage. If this same thing happened TODAY, you know exactly what would happen. Abraham wouldn't be revered as an obedient servant of God. He'd be branded as a nutcase and put into a freakin' mental institution. He was willing to listen to voices in his head or visions that tell him to kill his child, tie the kid up, then go so far as drawing back the knife in his hand (just think about the absolute terror that fills the child at this point). What…should we praise him for hearing other voices or visions that stopped the filicide?
This of course brings Euthyphro's dilemma to mind. Is what is moral commanded by God because it is moral, or is it moral because it is commanded by God? You can philosophize for hours, but let's get right down to it. The second option couldn't possibly be correct. That's saying that anything that God commands instantly becomes moral. In other words, God could say, "euthanize all children who don't reach the height of 48 inches by age 6," and that action would not just be right, but a moral imperative. The distinction between moral and immoral would cease to exist. A true believer would probably say that whatever God commands is indeed the right thing to do. But that presents an interesting problem that you may not have thought of.
How do you know that God isn't evil? No, seriously. It seems like a no-brainer, but it's actually not if you believe that morality comes from God. If whatever God commands is always moral, then he defines what is moral. By what standard then can you judge HIS actions? God could be actually be evil and you wouldn't know! Because anything he says is the right thing to do, he could command you to become a sadistic child serial killer, and it would be moral to do so! You could not discern whether this action is good or evil because God said it, therefore it is instantly good!
How do you know Satan isn't the good deity, and YHWH the evil deity? Did Satan order any genocides? Did he punish anyone because of someone else's wrongdoing? Did Satan kill any babies? Robert G. Ingersoll put it better than I ever could:
"In nearly all the theologies, mythologies and religions, the devils have been much more humane and merciful than the gods. No devil ever gave one of his generals an order to kill children and to rip open the bodies of pregnant women. Such barbarities were always ordered by the good gods. The pestilences were sent by the most merciful gods. The frightful famine, during which the dying child with pallid lips sucked the withered bosom of a dead mother, was sent by the loving gods. No devil was ever charged with such fiendish brutality.
And I've heard believers say that obviously YHWH is the good guy because he is more powerful. So might makes right?
If you are a believer, and God spoke to you and asked you to make a blood sacrifice of your own child…complete with ritualistic throat slitting, and then burning on an altar, I guarantee that every last one of you would say no. It wouldn't matter if your life depended on it; it wouldn't matter if the lives of every other living thing in the entire world depended on it, you would not do it. And you would tell him so. You would say, "If YOU want this child to be killed, then YOU do it. YOU be the asshole."
And here's why God truly is a dick. Because if God were good he would say to that, "You have done well, my child. You have passed the test. By refusing to harm a child you have shown to me that you know that difference between right and wrong. This was only a test…you know that I would never command something evil. So now I know that you would know the difference between something that I commanded and something that Satan commanded." Of course, neither of these mythical fairies actually exists, and Satan hadn't been invented at this point in the Bible yet, but you see the point I'm making. This is not what happened. God requested child sacrifice, Abraham said OK and God praised him for that. In other words, Abraham passed the test for not being able to discern right and wrong. And furthermore, if you object to that and suggest that Abraham may have realized it was wrong, but still would have done it anyway because that's what the Almighty God asked of him, then Abraham is a dick, too!
God: "Let's see how much of a mindless sycophant this guy is. Let's see if he will do evil in my name without even recognizing that it IS evil simply because I asked him to do it."
And Abraham passed this test with flying colors. He is willing to do evil in the name of God.
[Of course, I'm using the word "evil" for simplicity and effect. I actually don't believe in the dichotomy of good vs. evil, but we'll talk about that some other time.]
I hope you can see why I said this post was important. If there was nothing else written in the Bible…if the text stopped right here at Genesis chapter 22, that's all I would need know to refuse to worship this God. I wouldn't care if the God of Israel actually did exist. He doesn't, thank goodness…but even if he did I would absolutely not worship him. This is reason #2 why I wouldn't.
And this is WAY longer than I wanted it to be, so we'll stop here and pick up at Chapter 23, when Sarah, the hottest 120 year old woman who ever lived, dies. Ciao!
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