We left off in the middle of this strange story with Judah. His two eldest sons end up getting whacked by God. The first is killed for being "wicked"…no other explanation. And the 2nd is killed because he wouldn't give his brother's widow, Tamar, any sons. So Judah's starting to think that this chick is bad news. Judah promises to give her to his last remaining son when he gets old enough, but he's scared that his youngest son will end up getting whacked, too. She apparently has some kind of sinister power. And she's not done wreaking havoc.
I want to cover quite a few chapters here so that I can finish Genesis with the next post. So there will be a good bit of summarizing 'cuz I'm getting a little antsy to get to Exodus.
Chapter 38 (continued)
12-19
Tamar is gettin' a lil pissed off. She noticed that Judah's son, Shelah, was grown up now, but Judah had not given her to him for marriage like he promised. So she's gonna fix his wagon. Tamar hears that Judah is heading off with his neighbor to Timnah (wherever the hell that is) to shear his sheep. So she takes off her widow's garments, dresses up like a prostitute, and goes to hang out at the entrance to Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah.
Judah, being the pious man that he is, propositions her for sex.
"C'mon baby…let me pull up to your bumper and smack that monkey." (If you recognize this reference, you're awesome.)
"20 shekels for a blow job, 50 for half and half."
"Got no cash on me, babe…how 'bout a kid from my flock?"
"I'm a hooker, what the fuck am I gonna do with a goat? –I mean, ummm, ok. Sure. Where is it?
"It's back at home. I'll send it when I get back."
"Naah, chief…I need some collateral. Gimme your signet and cord, and your staff."
The signet was "a seal, often suspended from the neck with a cord, used to sign documents." And he agreed. After that, she switched back to widow mode from ho mode.
So later, Judah sent the kid he promised to her by his friend, but she was nowhere to be found. About 3 months later, Tamar was apparently showing, because word around town is that she "played the whore" and is pregnant "as a result of whoredom." I love it when the Bible mentions whores, whoring, and whoredom. And it mentions it A LOT. You will gather as we read on that whores are apparently the worst people in the world, and whoredom seems to be second in offense only to worshipping other gods…later. Right now, contrary to popular belief, there really is no monotheism to speak of.
I will use the word whoredom to humorous effect as often as possible.
Judah's response to his widowed daughter-in-law's alleged whoredom: Burn the bitch!
But hold up! Tamar send word to Judah that it was the owner of this signet, cord, and staff who knocked me up!
Maury Povich: So the DNA test results are right here in my hand, so we're gonna find out once and for all who's the father of the bastard child that Tamar is carrying. Judah…on the question of Tamar's yet-to-be-named bastard… you are. . . . . . . . the father!
*Crowd starts cheering, Tamar does a celebratory booty dance right in front of Judah's face.*
Judah admits that he has been pwnt for not giving Tamar to Shelah for a wife. Apparently, the charges were dropped. I bet Judah didn't say, "Burn me at the stake!" Of course not. He's a man, and nobody cares if he plays WITH the whore who's playing the whore.
And furthermore, have you noticed how all the women in the Bible have been portrayed so far? All they do is deceive. Tamar, Rachel, Lot's daughters, Sarah, Eve…they deceive men and lust after giving birth to sons. Oh well…could be worse…could be Islam.
Chapter 39
Ok, back to Joseph being a slave to Potiphar, the Egyptian captain of the guard.
1-5
What we have here is something we've seen a lot of: Hebrews becoming wealthy and powerful in a foreign land. The NOAB points out that this prosperity "is an outgrowth of the promise to Abraham." Kinda like when Abraham became wealthy in Egypt, and Jacob became wealthy by exploiting his uncle. Here we have Joseph prospering. So far, God is doing an extraordinarily shitty job keeping his promise. I mean yeah, Joseph is prospering decently…but he's still a SLAVE. He's in charge of his master's household, but he's still a servant. Not exactly a good fulfillment of the promise. Whatevs.
6-23
39.6 points out, "…Now Joseph was handsome and good-looking." Of course he is! The heroes of the Bible couldn't possibly be unattractive or even average looking. I guess this is why he was Jacob – excuse me, Israel's and God's favorite. So God is shallow, too. I detect that you're not surprised. Neither am I.
So Potiphar's wife totally wants to bang Joseph. She just straight up asks him to do her. But Joseph is actually honorable (rare for a Biblical character) and refuses. She keeps trying, and he keeps rejecting her. So one day she corners him with that cock-hungry look in her eyes, but he escapes her clutches. But she grabbed his "garment" as he ran.
Of course, being a good-for-nothing woman, she uses whatever clothing she ripped off him as evidence that Joseph tried to rape her. She blabs it to everyone in the household, and to Potiphar when he comes home. He believes her and throws Joe in the can. Of course, God was with him, and gave him favor in the sight of the jailer. So he prospers once again…in prison.
Chapter 40
At some point, the Pharaoh's cupbearer and baker ended up pissing him off and getting themselves thrown into prison with Joseph. The both had some trippy ass dreams on the same night, and Joseph offered to interpret them. According to what they told him, Joseph said the cupbearer's dream meant that in 3 days, Pharaoh would restore him to his position. Joseph asked him to remember this good fortune when he gets out and everything is well with him, so that it may help him get released. He said that the baker's dream meant that in 3 days, he would be hanged and the birds would eat the flesh from his carcass. And what'dya know…both came true! However, that bitch ass cupbearer forgot Joseph.
Chapter 41
1-36
Now Pharaoh had a dream, and needed someone to interpret it. Then the cupbearer finally remembered Joseph's ability to interpret dreams, and told Pharaoh about him. Pharaoh summoned Joseph and asked him what that fucked up dream meant. Joseph said that it meant that God would bring 7 years of plenty followed by 7 years of like, the mother of all famines. He advised Pharaoh to store up grain from all over Egypt during the years of plenty so that they'd have grain stores when the famine came.
37-45
Pharaoh is incredibly impressed by Joseph's prediction and plan to avoid disaster. He makes Joseph his right hand man. Look at the stuff he's saying here. Putting Joseph in charge of his house, and saying "only with regard to the throne will I be greater than you," giving Joseph his signet ring, making people bow to Joseph, and finally saying, "I am Pharaoh (which one?), and without your consent no one shall lift up hand or foot in all the land of Egypt." He even married Joseph into the priesthood of Egpyt; he let him marry a priest's daughter!
Ok, this is where my bullshit detector went off. There is no fucking way, a Pharaoh of Egypt, considered a god on Earth by himself and his subjects would have given a formerly imprisoned Hebrew slave charge over the whole damn kingdom in this way. And they definitely wouldn't have done any bullshit like this without it having been recorded. Yeah right, Israelites. Nice try.
46-57
So Joseph goes all around the kingdom storing up food during the 7 years of plenty, had a couple of sons along with way, and when the famine hits, Egypt is the only place in the world that isn't starving. That's right…this is a worldwide famine. See, when God said he wouldn't kill everything in a flood, he had his grubby, divine fingers crossed behind his back. People die in famines. Lots of people. On the Skeptic's Annotated Bible, they keep up with God's killings, both mass and individual. This is God's 6th killing/killing spree, as no doubt millions of people died in this worldwide famine that he caused for no apparent reason. Actually, there is a reason. When the people came to Joseph for food, he sold it to them. That's right. God killed millions to make Joseph rich…and to humble Joseph's brother before him, as we shall see shortly.
Also, all the world came to Joseph for food. All the Chinese, Aboriginal Australians, and Native Americans came to Joseph for food. Too bad they were worshipping the wrong god and had no way of knowing that they were worshipping the wrong god.
Chapters 42-44
These last chapters for today comprise most of one story, which is the last story of Genesis. It describes how Joseph's brothers were finally humbled before him, and how the Israelites ended up in Egypt. So I'm gonna summarize with some highlights. The story is actually kinda sweet. =)
When the famine reached Caanan, Jacob sent his sons to Egypt to buy grain because he heard about the large stores there. Well, all of them except Benjamin. He had already lost his favorite son (Joseph) by his favorite wife (Rachel), and he wasn't about to lose this one, dammit.
When his 10 brothers got to Egpyt, they bowed to him, partially fulfilling his first dream. He recognized them, but they did not recognize him, so he decided to fuck with them for awhile.
He accused them of being spies. They said that they are honest men, and told Joseph that they were 12 brothers, but one was no more, and the youngest is at home with their father because he loves him so. So Joseph said that he would test them. In order to prove that they were honest, they had to bring their youngest brother to him, and in the meantime one of them would stay imprisoned in Egypt until they returned.
They understood that God was now punishing them for what they had done to Joseph. Ruben, the only nice guy, who still gets cursed later because he screwed his father's concubine, chastises them all: "Did I not tell you not to wrong the boy? But you would not listen. So now there comes a reckoning for his blood." Joseph could, of course, understand every word of this, which they didn't know because he spoke through an interpreter. He turned away from them and wept. Then he picked out Simeon to remain imprisoned, and sent the rest away.
They told their father, Israel (who is STILL called Jacob in these verses sometimes), what happened. Jacob basically said, "fuck you, I'm not sending Benjamin!"
After the grain that they had bought ran out, Jacob told them to go get more. This is the part that kills me. Poor Simeon! They apparently just didn't a damn about him, because they didn't even go back until they needed more food! So the brothers pleaded with their father to let them take Benjamin to Egypt, because they definitely didn't wanna show up empty-handed. This was a test of their honesty! So Jacob is like, "Oh fuck me. Alright just go. Nice knowin' ya Benjamin."
So they get there with Benjamin. Joseph asks them if this is indeed their youngest brother. They confirm this, and Joseph is overcome with emotion. He leaves the room to weep. Before they leave, he orders their sacks filled with grain, their money returned (which also happened last time), and a sacred silver cup used for divination (magical prediction of the future) to be planted in Benjamin's sack of grain. He ordered his steward to go after them shortly and accuse them of stealing the silver cup.
The brothers denied stealing, and stated that if the cup was found on any of them, let the thief be put to death. And lo and behold, it was on Benjamin. Fuck.
Back in front of Joseph, Judah stepped up and offered himself into slavery, pleading with Joseph that Benjamin be allow to return to his father, who would surely die if anything happened to him. At this, Joseph couldn't contain his emotion any longer. He sent the Egyptians out of the room, and revealed himself to his brothers. Joseph tells them all to come and settle in Egypt, in the land of Goshen so that they will survive the famine. They all wept together. Jacob's sons went back to tell them Joseph was alive, and he pretty much pissed himself. He agreed to go live in Egypt to see his beloved son before he dies.
Now, I'm gonna leave you with a little teaser, because I'm already over 2100 words, but I have a little to discuss about something Joseph says here:
45.5-9
And now do not be distressed, or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here; for God sent me before you to preserve life. For the famine has been in this land these two years; and there are five more years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvest. God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors. So it was not you who sent me here, but God; he has made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house and ruler over all the land of Egypt.
Of course, God gets the credit for making you rich and powerful. Nevermind the millions who died in the famine. Hold that thought for next time…
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